Dear Admin: Comprehensive Summer Vacation Action Plan

Getting stoned and playing guitar

Memorandum

TO: Provost Beancounter
FROM: Department of Communicative Synergies (formerly known as “Communications.)
DATE: May 18, 2026
SUBJECT: Comprehensive Summer Vacation Action Plan

Dear Provost Beancounter,

Thank you for your inquiry regarding my upcoming summer itinerary. I am thrilled to share my strategic operational goals for the upcoming hiatus, which I have updated to account for several additional mandatory, strategic, corporate-wellness initiatives recently implemented.

1. Strategic Communication Optimization

My primary objective is to spend about 6 to 8 hours per day scrolling through your office’s bi-weekly emails detailing the latest cycle of reorganizations, consultations, stakeholder engagements, and feedback seminars.

2. Cross-Generational Onboarding

I look forward to getting to know my newly-hired and inexperienced “talent coordinators.” It has been inspiring to watch management aggressively value the faculty’s contributions while simultaneously slashing our operational budgets.

3. Pedagogical Realignment

I will spend my mandatory unpaid restructuring period (formerly known as “summer vacation”) mapping out the new curriculum necessitated by layoffs. I look forward to teaching subjects entirely outside my domain of expertise to a room full of equally confused students.

4. Mandatory Retraining Seminars

I look forward to our 137-hour, on-line, intensive, “re-sensitivity training” sessions. I truly enjoy the realistic scenarios in which a morbidly obese office worker is offended because someone suggested using deodorant.

5. Visualizing Institutional Descent (PowerPoints of Doom)

I look forward to your urgent, annual August report, an 87-slide PowerPoint presentation, detailing our plummeting enrollment metrics.

6. Fiscal Liberation via Benefit Reduction

I must thank you for the total elimination of our retirement benefits. By completely removing my financial ability to ever stop working, you have relieved me of the burden of future planning. This is the ultimate form of job security.

7. Preferred Operational Alternatives

My core deliverables for the summer also include three other milestones:

• Achieving a state of advanced chemical relaxation.

• Playing the guitar.

• Looking forward to your termination.

Please let me know if you would like to schedule a pre-meeting to discuss the anticipated feedback loops regarding this vacation matrix.

Warmest bureaucratic regards,

DBR.

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