if i were Stephen Fry
all food would be nibbles
facts would befall me and
i would perendinate
we all perendinate but only Stephen Fry would say so
if i were Stephen Fry
the press would report that my hair was naturally tousled
i would use a walking cane even if i were perfectly ambulatory
i would say foy-er not foy-yay
everyone would wonder why i hadn’t been cast as willy wonka
if i were Stephen Fry
i would have cuff links for all occasions
i would read aloud books that had been made into movies
i’d receive devoirs when i was blue
if i were Stephen Fry
i would know all the constellations
point at them confidently and ask
didn’t i see you last night
if i were Stephen Fry
my allergies would be endearing
trees would bend with apples every time i thought of keats
no one would ask if i owned a tennis racket
letters would arrive by carrier pigeon
kitchens would have fireplaces
and i’d drink something called a toddy
if i were Stephen Fry
no one would ask when was the last time i took a shower
if i were Stephen Fry
there would be no need for revenge or murder
but maybe a bit of crime
just enough to know that what you had was special
worth keeping
strangers would come up to me and address me by my first name
hey Stephen how are you Stephen loved your jeeves on the telly—
oh if i were Stephen Fry i would definitely refer to my television as a telly and i would convert dollars into pounds because it just makes sense and everyone would marvel at my wordplay which would be far cleverer than what i just wrote and
if i were Stephen Fry
i would never refer to my friends as a crew
i would probably regret not playing more chess
i would have tried origami but my paper fish wouldn’t fold
if i were Stephen Fry
i would have a substack and refer to it eponymously as my Fry stack
i would love cheese and know all the english villages they came from blue vinney red leicester sage derby white stilton keltic gold oxford isis stinking bishop little wallop
i would read because i wanted to not because i was bored
and know what a codswallop is
i would sniffle when trouble was brewing
if i were Stephen Fry
i would never wash my car by hand
i’d take it to a carwash and edit my memoir on an olivetti
i would cheer up children by telling them that i am jewish
i’d be strong enough to lift furniture filled with fisherman's sweaters
i’d do a radio interview while eating some cookies which i would call biscuits unless i were drinking coffee in which case i would eurovision my biscuits into biscotti
i would know butterfly latin battus eurymedon indra rutulus clodius parnassius phoebus behrii philenor ulticaudatus zelicaon
if i were Stephen Fry
my added girth would only accentuate my height
i could wear a hat
if i were Stephen Fry
i would be able to talk about mahler’s third and sympathetic pantheism
i would find packets of matches in my suit jacket and wonder how they got there
andonio bandaras would fold my laundry
everyone would just assume that i played the cello
i’d go to a hockey game and admit that i don’t know what icing is
if i were Stephen Fry
i would use almond milk but just call it milk
everyone would expect me to give a marvelous toast at a wedding
taylor swift would code name me old ragamuffin
i’d always look like i had a big breakfast
the color of my eyes would be common knowledge
if i were Stephen Fry
australia wouldn’t seem too far away
This was a delight! From a fan of all things Fry (including Turkish Delight). Thanks for penning!
This poem is an utter delight! (Udder delight, for you milk lovers.)
The enjoyment I get from looking up previously-unknown (to me) words can only be measured by the years I taught English.
Amazingly (to me), I was heretofore only vaguely familiar with Stephen Fry & his Britishly comedic talents!
Excellent work, Anonymous Author of the DBR Substack!
((Chef's kiss))